I would hate to be a real murderer. Not least because of all the blood and choking noises but because I would be bound to be caught.
Just trying to get away with the audacious kidnap and ultimate murder of Dan the duck, my daughter Zoe's favourite toy, has put me under a great deal of stress.
Accusations have already been flowing thick and fast. The Piranha says I must have lost the duck when I took Zoe to the park. Firstly this isn't true. We didn't go the park, we went to the pub garden, well it's got a swing and a climbing frame thinggy. Secondly I didn't lose Dan, I kidnapped him while Zoe was asleep.
Then I have been accused of selling the Piranha's bread board. I mean who buys second hand bread boards?
But the hardest thing has been covering up my tracks, removing tell tale pics from the digital camera, clearing up the fake blood stains, hiding Dan in between atrocities, and trying not to feel too guilty when Zoe sobs herself to sleep.
And I'm sure I've left DNA absolutely everywhere.