Friday, March 10, 2006

Read all about it...

I went into my local newsagents last night and discovered they have installed a suggestion box for customers.

I dropped in a piece of paper suggesting that as, whatever people say they will ignore them, they should get rid of the suggestion box.

Instead they should have an autosuggestion box so that when they deliver me the Daily Star yet again, I'll think I've got The Times that I ordered.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Why fillings are a burning issue...

By 2020 80 percent of the UK's mercury emissions will come from crematoriums, according to a report just released.

Apparently the problem is caused, because while we go up in smoke, the fillings in our teeth do not. Instead they rain down from crematorium chimneys upon the living, presenting a real danger of mercury poisoning.

If mercury is such a hazard it begs the question why it is packed into our mouths in the first place. But the solution being discussed is that dentists will have to remove fillings from the mouths of the deceased before they are permitted to depart this mortal coil.

Call me cycnical but it's hard enough getting an appointment with the dentist while you're alive; how on earth do you get one when you're dead?

And even more worryingly does this mean that once we have been admitted through the Pearly Gates we will have toothache for eternity?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Funny names

I know a guy called Dick Spray, although I think he prefers Richard. I have known several people called Dick Head, although co-incidentally they also prefer to be known as Richard.

Everyone claims to know a Mike Hunt or two and I once met a German Wanker, although I'ms sure this claim isn't unique.

I did laugh though when it was suggested this week that Sean Bean should have called his son Les. Now that would have been funny.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

A rather tricky photo competition...

Which story on the BBC website do you think this photograph illustrated? Give up? Well it accompanied the news that financial workers in the City of London are set to earn £7.5bn in bonuses this winter.

According to the caption: 'Liposuction is a popular treatment for male City workers'. Oh that explains it. Obviously a Ferrari would be totally out of the question.

The scene of the crime

Move on please. There's nothing to see here.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Nearly that time again

Yesterday I saw my first TV ad for Christmas, next Christmas that is. Yes December 25th 2006 is now just 350 days or so away but already 'the countdown has started' according to Family Hampers.

In a similar vein think I might start buying in some champagne in case there's a shortage come the millennium.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The lost post

Having not used the car over the Christmas period, I obviously have also not used my car keys, and now have absolutely no idea where I left them.

The Piranha predictably said: 'they'll be in the last place you look'. Well the last place I looked was behind the toast rack, and they weren't there, so that puts another theory to bed.

I suppose it could be worse, I could have forgotten where I left the car.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Gobble gobble shoes

It's only two days after Christmas and already we are running out of uses for cold turkey. In desperation I thought it might be good for polishing shoes. And amazingly it is.

Take a good piece of turkey breast and rub it briskly over your toecaps in a clockwise motion and your footwear will come up a treat.

What's more, rub cranberry suace into red wine stains on your lounge carpet in an increasingly rapid horizontal movement, and they will magically disappear.

I love the practical side of Christmas.

Pervy swervy weirdos are my best friends...

I've scored somewhat of an own goal.

In my quest for blogging fame I attempted to boost my Google rankings by including phrases such as Britney Spears naked, threesomes, hardcore pornography, and free xxxxxx site passes.

On the positive side this has seen traffic levels go through the roof, but the reality is that I am now being read by rubber clad people who are displaced, misplaced or simply sexually deviant, and in some cases sexually deviant and simple. Sadly, they and I, remain unfulfilled.

What is worse, I have compounded the error with the second paragraph of this post.

But if you came here for any other reason than a good spanking, it's good to see you.