Tuesday, July 20, 2004

A trip down the aisle with God

I have received a booklet from Sainsbury's entitled 'now in store' which has changed my life, my religious beliefs, my very being.
The first few pages are the same as any other supermarket booklet, full of pictures of meat, wine, beer, quiches and other things that make you fat, or throw up, and occasionally both.
But as I idly turned the pages, I discovered the following revelation: 'Heaven is a place on earth. The freezer cabinet at Sainsbury's'.
Now my first thought was that surely this earth-shattering news could be conveyed to the world in a better way than a throwaway line in a booklet flogging groceries but then I understood Sainsbury's dilemma.
As soon as the British population realise that a trip to heaven is no further than their local supermarket, they will be running down there with all manner of dead pets and recently deceased family members, who they will happily pitch into the freezer cabinet without a second thought, content in the knowledge that their dearly departed have gone to a better place. 
Clearly Sainsbury's have realised that as God's messengers they have to spread the word, but subtly.  I have to admit my chest was bursting with self-importance when I told the Piranha I had found God and I was one of the chosen few who had been given the address for the family's celestial home. She suggested I should be looking for a psychiatrist rather than the Holy Father. I insisted on a trip to our local supermarket so she could make her peace with the angels.
As we neared the freezer cabinet I have to admit the air went cold and a shiver shimmied up and down my spine. We tiptoed over and I raised the lid so she could see for herself the place of everlasting love and happiness. Then we paid for our groceries and went home.
It is the only time I have taken the Piranha to heaven and back.

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