The lost post

Having not used the car over the Christmas period, I obviously have also not used my car keys, and now have absolutely no idea where I left them.

The Piranha predictably said: 'they'll be in the last place you look'. Well the last place I looked was behind the toast rack, and they weren't there, so that puts another theory to bed.

I suppose it could be worse, I could have forgotten where I left the car.

Gobble gobble shoes

It's only two days after Christmas and already we are running out of uses for cold turkey. In desperation I thought it might be good for polishing shoes. And amazingly it is.

Take a good piece of turkey breast and rub it briskly over your toecaps in a clockwise motion and your footwear will come up a treat.

What's more, rub cranberry suace into red wine stains on your lounge carpet in an increasingly rapid horizontal movement, and they will magically disappear.

I love the practical side of Christmas.

Pervy swervy weirdos are my best friends...

I've scored somewhat of an own goal.

In my quest for blogging fame I attempted to boost my Google rankings by including phrases such as Britney Spears naked, threesomes, hardcore pornography, and free xxxxxx site passes.

On the positive side this has seen traffic levels go through the roof, but the reality is that I am now being read by rubber clad people who are displaced, misplaced or simply sexually deviant, and in some cases sexually deviant and simple. Sadly, they and I, remain unfulfilled.

What is worse, I have compounded the error with the second paragraph of this post.

But if you came here for any other reason than a good spanking, it's good to see you.

Hurrah for me

It worked! Bloggerwhacking has delivered and I now have my very own Googlewhack. Vaquita rhizoplast is mine and only mine. Go on try it. Go on.

A very happy Christmas to all.

A woman's work is never done...

When a woman says she is multi-tasking what she means is that she is telling several people at the same time what to do.

Not making a M1nt then?

I received a spam email today. Nothing special about that except that it was from London members club M1nt.

The first word you see when you visit M1int's website is 'Exclusive' and then the introductory text says 'M1NT's 250 shareholders include 9 of the 44 billionaires in London, F1 drivers, Hollywood superstars and supermodels.'

Obviously so exclusive that membership is now open to anyone with an email address.

Perhaps it is a mint with a hole in its accounts.

Semtex again please...

Had a very strange lunch at my local Horrid Horse this week.

We turned into the car park to see that three parking spaces were being taken up by a huge white armoured vehicle with 'bomb disposal unit' written in large letters down the side.

We made our way gingerly into the bar, worried that we might be caught up with our fellow Christmas diners in a pre-emptive strike by the Turkey Liberation Front.

But the three bomb disposal officers in flak jackets were eating their meals and drinking their pints in a very blase manner, so our fears of instant incineration receded.

Then we realised that the table we had chosen to sit at gave us an interrupted view of what can only be described as a whalular woman.

This gargantuan beast must have tipped the scales at 30 stone and boasted the most extraordinary features ever to have graced a member of the fairer sex. It was impossible to see where her face ended and her neck began; everything above her shoulders was just a rubbery mass of chins, cheeks and rolls.

We stared at her in fascination and decided our friends from the bomb squad were on hand in case this Thing exploded.

But when the Thing left the pub, in a motion that can only be described as a slow rhythmic flowing movement, the bomb disposal officers did nothing, apart from sniggering behind their hands.

Our coffee arrived and then the officers were galvanised into action: suddenly one of them pulled a box from underneath the table and they all marched briskly out of the pub. They jumped in the armoured vehicle, turned on the sirens and flashing lights, and screamed out of the car park.

I wish I knew how the story ended, or even how it began, but sadly I don't. As I said, it was a very strange lunch.

Introducing Bloggerwhacks...

Today I've invented 'Bloggerwhacks'.

Lot of people waste lots of time looking for 'Googlewhacks' which are those rare occasions when one and only one result is returned when two words are entered into Google.

A Bloggerwhack which is when a Blogger enters two words into Google and produces no results. And here's the twist, by reporting this fact in his or her Blog, he will create a new Googlewhack or that's the theory.

Today I give you my first Bloggerwhack:

vaquita rhizoplast

Unfortunately at the time of writing it still produces no results but I will let you know if and when Google adds Spluttermonkey to that most select of address books.

Why blogs are better than sex.....

Paris Hilton video, Britney Spears naked, threesomes, hardcore pornography, free xxxxxx site passes, charlotte church dirty minger.

Sorry, I should explain. I need just four more visitors today for my highest ever total - six in case you were wondering, so thought I would try a few enticing keywords.

Then I discovered if you put 'blog' into Google you get more than twice as many results as if you put 'sex' into Google.

So: blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog,blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog and good night.

All men are bastards

My colleague Louise was talking about a male client yesterday and said with disdain: 'He's one of those chauvinistic bastards who is always polite to women.'

Sometimes we really can't win.

Spluttermonkey - now with added aloe vera

Forget about nuclear war. Forget about a muslim uprising. Forget about the ice caps melting. Forget about meteorites.

There is a new threat to world stability - aloe vera.

Pick up any item at the supermarket and you will find it has added aloe vera. Why?

I discovered this week that even toilet rolls now have added aloe vera. What possible reason can this be? Did the chief executive of Andrex wipe his bottom after completing his ablutions and think 'Now only if this had aloe vera added, that would have been a more pleasant experience.'

I have no idea where aloe vera comes from. For all I know it is produced by goatherders in Albania. But whoever is responsible should give themselves a big pat on the back. They have produced something that is completely without merit, without benefit, without any discernible effect and yet we all use it.

Is there anything else in our lives which is so completely useless which we wouldn't be without - apart from cheese of course.

Robber Williams

How did Robbie Williams successfully sue the People newspaper for saying he's gay?

Now he might or might not like pushing the sausage up the chocolate hill, but how has he been libelled?

This is the age of equality. If the NoW next weekend reveals wrongly that George Michael has a secret girlfriend could he sue for 'substantial damages' because it is alleged he is heterosexual.

Since when did 'gay' become a defamatory term? Do we hold a straight Robbie Williams in higher regard than a gay Robbie Williams?

Would Williams have sued if he'd been called 'black'?

They think it's all over...

I haven't been playing football for the last year while awaiting a shoulder operation and it has been one of the most frustrating periods of my life.

However, we all have a dream. And the other night I dreamed I was playing football again. In my dream I was pressing on the shoulder of the defender and he decided to knock the ball back to his keeper - but he underhit it.

In this vivid dream, I had recovered the speed of my youth, and I realised that I could slide in ahead of the defender, get to the ball first and poke it past the keeper.

So I sprinted at full pace and lunged at the ball with my left foot.

The next thing I knew was that I was wide awake and sliding across the bedroom floor at high speed before colliding painfully into a chest of drawers.

In great embarrassment I looked back to see what the Piranha made of it all, but the bed was empty as she apparently had suffered enough during the first half and had gone to sleep in the spare room.

And the worst part of the experience? I still don't know whether I scored.

Life is full of shit

I used to empty my bowels once a day. I always assumed this was normal.

Over the last six months my constitution has enjoyed a revolution and without fail I have three craps before 11.00 in the morning.

At first I thought this might make me really thin, instead I'm still a fat git but I'm spending £50 a week on toilet rolls.

It's been a long long short time

So Spluttermonkey is back. I suddenly found myself. Well found myself in my favourites and remembered I'm a blogger - an intermittent one admittedly.

Actually I was very surprised to discover that I blogged pretty constantly for 8 months. And looking back I actually enjoyed the experience. So why did I stop. Well, why does it stop raining?

So much has happened and so little. Over the coming days, weeks and maybe even months I will bring you up to date with the so little.

This blog didn't die but it does believe in cryonics....